Post by tbhas6 on Feb 18, 2009 23:35:04 GMT -5
Hey Keeperofthehome,
My heart aches for your situation ... I can not imagine being trapped in my own home with someone whom I don't have any authority over. Much less, my husband allowing them to disrespect me, others and my property.
I've never been in your situation and therefore don't really have any experience to "back up" any suggestions. It is so very unfortunate that hubby is allowing this behavior because, as you very well know, it will only bring serious wounding and scars to your stepson later in life. (I believe the 12-step programs call your husband's behavior ENABLING).
You've mentioned that you've tried to discuss this situation with your husband to no avail. You've also admitted to being angry with your husband to no avail. Maybe you could try to just step back and wait out your husband. (I'm sure this will be very difficult to do as things will most likely get worse before dad steps up to make them better).
Prior to resorting to the following extreme measures, I would ask hubby to sit down with me and make up a rule/responsibility list for stepson (hubby must be involved in this, otherwise you could end up being chided for being to demanding). Make TWO laminated copies - one for the fridge or pantry door & the other for the inside of stepson's bedroom door. Then sit back and allow the "chips to fall where they may".
For example, **if stepson eventually has all the glassware and dinnerware in his room, then there just won't be any in the cupboards to serve supper on. When the entire family runs out, at that time CALMLY suggest to hubby that the dishes may be found in stepson's room. Sit down and wait for hubby to investigate.
** Stepson doesn't like what you prepare for supper - well, that's fine ... he'll just go hungry when there aren't any t.v. dinners or other microwave foods to heat up. (By the way, I'd also make sure to cook breakfast and not have anymore cereal, pop tarts, etc. in the cupboard ... yep, no more "quick fix" food of any sort in the house. Stepson will learn to eat what you prepare or he'll go hungry, buy his own elsewhere, etc.
** stepson doesn't like to take his laundry out of the dryer ... that's o.k. because you'll just pile it in a basket or on the floor in the hallway in front of his closed door (this forces stepson to step over them to get into his room OR to carry them into his room). If stepson doesn't take the basket of clothes into his room and put them away ... well, maybe he'll change his mind after dad has had to step over them several times.
**homework? Well, that's on the rule/responsibility list. You may want to try using a small tape recorder to record you reminding stepson that it's homework time ... go ahead and let that little gadget record his reaction. Keep your calm, tell him once & only once. Do this every day, making sure to record the date before each reminder to stepson. Then when hubby gets upset with you about stepson refusing to do homework or study ... CALMLY and with closed lips play the recorded dialog between you and stepson.
** friends come up to you with complaints about stepson's behavior, may I suggest responding with, "Thank you for your concern. However, would you please discuss this with his father as things are ALWAYS resolved very effectively when dad becomes involved." (NOTE: do not say anything insulting, condescending, etc. about your husband - it will only result in a negative reflection on your own character).
You're a smart gal ... I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. Basically, I've found that when someone is exhibiting a behavior that I don't like or makes me feel uncomfortable and after confronting them about it, repeatedly, they refuse to address that behavior (I'm talking about hubby's lack of parental responsibility with his own son) I then back off - as difficult as that often is - and allow chaos to have a "hey day". The "hey day" is usually short lived as the person quickly begins to alter his/her behavior.
It appears that hubby will "sit on the side-lines" as long a you are stepping up and playing "bad cop". My suggestion is that it's your turn to take a seat on the side-lines ... Maybe when things get bad enough hubby will step into the "bad cop" shoes. (when this happens you are more than welcome to come hang out at my house for a little while - I wouldn't want to be around when he finally gets fed up with stepson.)
Remember, I don't have any practical experience with this situation, so my suggestions are only that - suggestions. You know your husband better than any of us ladies on this forum. Also, continue showing your husband the love, respect and honor the Bible says he deserves. Make sure to keep your feelings of frustration with stepson separate from your behavior toward hubby.
You will be in my prayers,
tb
My heart aches for your situation ... I can not imagine being trapped in my own home with someone whom I don't have any authority over. Much less, my husband allowing them to disrespect me, others and my property.
I've never been in your situation and therefore don't really have any experience to "back up" any suggestions. It is so very unfortunate that hubby is allowing this behavior because, as you very well know, it will only bring serious wounding and scars to your stepson later in life. (I believe the 12-step programs call your husband's behavior ENABLING).
You've mentioned that you've tried to discuss this situation with your husband to no avail. You've also admitted to being angry with your husband to no avail. Maybe you could try to just step back and wait out your husband. (I'm sure this will be very difficult to do as things will most likely get worse before dad steps up to make them better).
Prior to resorting to the following extreme measures, I would ask hubby to sit down with me and make up a rule/responsibility list for stepson (hubby must be involved in this, otherwise you could end up being chided for being to demanding). Make TWO laminated copies - one for the fridge or pantry door & the other for the inside of stepson's bedroom door. Then sit back and allow the "chips to fall where they may".
For example, **if stepson eventually has all the glassware and dinnerware in his room, then there just won't be any in the cupboards to serve supper on. When the entire family runs out, at that time CALMLY suggest to hubby that the dishes may be found in stepson's room. Sit down and wait for hubby to investigate.
** Stepson doesn't like what you prepare for supper - well, that's fine ... he'll just go hungry when there aren't any t.v. dinners or other microwave foods to heat up. (By the way, I'd also make sure to cook breakfast and not have anymore cereal, pop tarts, etc. in the cupboard ... yep, no more "quick fix" food of any sort in the house. Stepson will learn to eat what you prepare or he'll go hungry, buy his own elsewhere, etc.
** stepson doesn't like to take his laundry out of the dryer ... that's o.k. because you'll just pile it in a basket or on the floor in the hallway in front of his closed door (this forces stepson to step over them to get into his room OR to carry them into his room). If stepson doesn't take the basket of clothes into his room and put them away ... well, maybe he'll change his mind after dad has had to step over them several times.
**homework? Well, that's on the rule/responsibility list. You may want to try using a small tape recorder to record you reminding stepson that it's homework time ... go ahead and let that little gadget record his reaction. Keep your calm, tell him once & only once. Do this every day, making sure to record the date before each reminder to stepson. Then when hubby gets upset with you about stepson refusing to do homework or study ... CALMLY and with closed lips play the recorded dialog between you and stepson.
** friends come up to you with complaints about stepson's behavior, may I suggest responding with, "Thank you for your concern. However, would you please discuss this with his father as things are ALWAYS resolved very effectively when dad becomes involved." (NOTE: do not say anything insulting, condescending, etc. about your husband - it will only result in a negative reflection on your own character).
You're a smart gal ... I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. Basically, I've found that when someone is exhibiting a behavior that I don't like or makes me feel uncomfortable and after confronting them about it, repeatedly, they refuse to address that behavior (I'm talking about hubby's lack of parental responsibility with his own son) I then back off - as difficult as that often is - and allow chaos to have a "hey day". The "hey day" is usually short lived as the person quickly begins to alter his/her behavior.
It appears that hubby will "sit on the side-lines" as long a you are stepping up and playing "bad cop". My suggestion is that it's your turn to take a seat on the side-lines ... Maybe when things get bad enough hubby will step into the "bad cop" shoes. (when this happens you are more than welcome to come hang out at my house for a little while - I wouldn't want to be around when he finally gets fed up with stepson.)
Remember, I don't have any practical experience with this situation, so my suggestions are only that - suggestions. You know your husband better than any of us ladies on this forum. Also, continue showing your husband the love, respect and honor the Bible says he deserves. Make sure to keep your feelings of frustration with stepson separate from your behavior toward hubby.
You will be in my prayers,
tb