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Post by blessedmom on May 11, 2007 11:54:41 GMT -5
How do you all handle tattling? This is a big issue in our house and one that is soon to drive me nuts. I have 3 children...ages 6, 5, and 2. I also have 2 nieces that I babysit a lot. They're here at least 5 out of the 7 days a week. Now although this problem existed prior to them staying with us, the problem has gotten so much worse. I don't know what to do when one comes up and says " she hit me", or " he won't share", or "so and so said this" or "so and so is doing something bad". Do you make them deal with it? Do you step in if someone hit even if you didn't see it? There are days I spend all day just being a referee and getting to the root of the problem about who did what. I try so hard to keep discipline in this house, but it seems as though I'm losing control. BTW, the hitting usually comes from my 5 year old niece, who is out of control, but I'm afraid she's rubbing off on my younger 2. Thank you for any help or advice.
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Post by krcarter66 on May 11, 2007 12:35:18 GMT -5
I have five children--oldest is 20 and youngest is seven. Tattling was a problem a few years back. I made some exact rules to follow and everyone is happy. It is impossible to stop them from from "telling," but we did nix the "tattling." We are the arm of justice for the children. If someone hits me in public, I can call the police. There is a machine of justice in place. But if Davy hits Don, I am the law. I cannot turn a blind eye and say, "You work it out." It may be annoying, but it is my job to make them feel protected by enforcing rules. The real problem is when they get mean spirited and look for rule breaking just so they can go get someone else into trouble. I fixed that with my "telling rules." And all visitors to my house follow the same rules. My sister's kids have different rules at home, but they adapt instantly to mine when they are here! If you are interested, I will tell you my rules.
Kristine
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Post by blessedmom on May 11, 2007 21:38:49 GMT -5
Would you mind sharing your rules? Thanks
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Post by krcarter66 on May 12, 2007 0:24:40 GMT -5
Here are the rules:
1. If someone violates your rights or the rights of someone smaller—hits, takes property, etc.—you may tell an adult in a calm voice. If it is true, the victim can be confident that the perpetrator will make restitution and possibly be punished (depending on age, prior offenses, etc. The punishment part is technically not the business of the victim and I don’t allow the victim or anyone else to give me advice concerning the perpetrator’s punishment.) 2. If someone violates your rights or the rights of someone smaller, the telling should be as private as is reasonable for the situation—no announcing to the whole house that your sibling has something wrong! 3. If someone breaks a rule that affects you, but does not violate your rights—for example: harms community property—you may tell after one attempt to politely suggest a change in behavior. So, if seven year old Davy is peeing on the toilet seat and refusing to clean up his mess, twelve year old Don must say something to Davy about his behavior before coming to an adult. Don has to use that toilet, too, and is responsible for cleaning it occasionally. He has an interest in keeping it clean. Telling is not considered tattling. 4. If someone breaks a rule that affects you, but does not violate your rights, your telling must be in private. Don can not tell me about Davy’s bad bathroom behavior in front of Davy or anyone else! It is no one else’s business and it is not Donny’s business to shame Davy. 5. If you are aware that someone is running to tell on you, you must not follow them. Wait to see if you are called to defend yourself. I do this so that the teller has privacy to talk and also so that I don’t have two children trying to “get there first.” I have a reputation with my children of waiting until I hear all sides of a story before passing judgment. It took a while to get them to calmly wait while they were absolutely certain that their good names were being dragged through the mud! 6. If someone acts in a way that is obnoxious, unfriendly or unsociable—but not technically against any rules—he or she is free to apply peer pressure to the difficult person. For example, no one is required to share. Property rights are observed in our home and sharing is voluntary. Some toys, however, are community property—blocks, Lincoln Logs, Flip Track, Little People, the computer. The rule is first come, first served, but they are expected to play fair with how they split things up. I suggested years ago that before playing the computer in the evening when there is limited time, the person should ask others if they were also planning some time that evening on the computer. Then they can take the number of people who are interested and split the time up. If it is 8:00pm and three kids want the computer, then the youngest goes first and they each get an hour. They share the Little People set-ups fairly all on their own. The youngest (Davy 7) can be a bit selfish with the community toys, but I never hear any telling. I overhear the peer pressure from the other room. Donny, 12, will say, “Davy, if you are going to have the police station (he picked it up first), then you should let Cameron have the fire station and let me have the hospital.” Davy, knowing in his heart that this is true, agrees. Davy is also aware that the same interference would be made on his behalf should Anna or Donny witness Cameron being selfish with emergency services. If, however, Davy decided to act like a little monster and refused to listen to Donny, the children could say, “Okay, then, Davy, we are going to play outside without you for a while and let you have all the Little People to yourself!” I have seen this happen with cousins, but for the last few years it has been completely unnecessary in our home. 7. If someone is doing—or planning to do—something dangerous, then telling is permitted. Trying to keep it private is always recommended. All the children are aware of the rules. We sat down with them and explained them in detail. They are smart little rascals and they could see the justice in our rules. The children get along so well now that I almost never have a complaint. Tim, my husband, and I are forever commenting to each other about how blessed we are with wonderful children who look out for each other and treat each other so well.
It has not always been like this, though. Things are so good and pleasant now, but I do not want anyone to be discouraged thinking my family has never had troubles. The worst period we went through was when Davy was one, Cam was three, Donny was five, Anna was seven, and Valerie was 13. I thought I would lose my mind. Donny was pinching Anna, sneaking in to Valerie’s room to destroy her property, and throwing candles in my toilet! Everyone was screaming and tattling and I was crying! I thought I couldn’t take it any more and I was worried that my son was a psychopath. This is a story for another post, though. I am happy to report that it all worked out well and I will tell the details later if anyone wants to hear them!
Kristine
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