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Post by countrymomof4 on Dec 21, 2007 0:48:11 GMT -5
My daughter is 13 and is starting to act out. She is yelling at me and she was caught trying to sneek out with her friends- I am very disappointed in her and told her so. She has been brought up in church so she knows these actions are offensive to her parents and the lord! But how do I correct her - I will be honest I really am starting to loose patience . I am praying daily for strength and more patience. SHe is my oldest- I am worried about her setting this example for the others to follow. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
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tbhas6
Senior Member
Posts: 1,146
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Post by tbhas6 on Dec 28, 2007 11:54:52 GMT -5
Hi Countrymomof4,
I notice that this thread has been read more than 50 times and no one has yet responded. But I suppose with Christmas and New Year celebrations most ladies have not had time to be active on the board.
I have been in your situation before. Six years ago my #1 also tried sneaking out in the middle of the night, however, he was 17 and not a girl. Being a girl and only 13 makes your daughter's actions incredibly dangerous, even life threatening. First of all, I think it is imperative that you and your husband discuss with her the dangers of her actions.
You stated that you discussed with her how disappointed you were with her actions. Did peer pressure play a role in her irresponsible decision? Who was the friend(s) she was trying to meet up with? What kind of children has she chosen for friends? Have you talked to and/or informed the parents of the other children involved?
Have there been any negative consequences for these actions? When disciplining children, I have found it is imperative that parents reward desired behaviors and punish wrong behaviors. Our society has jumped onto this band wagon of praising and rewarding children for absolutely everything BUT failing to punish wrong doings. Society has convinced parents that punishment may harm their child's self esteem. I strongly disagree with this. Consistent discipline (praise for good/punish for bad) is what develops a strong, healthy self-esteem.
When we caught my son sneaking out at night, his punishment was harsh. We withdrew his driving privileges for 1 yr. 3 mo., until after he graduated from high school. (note: the withdrawal of his driving privileges included selling his car and canceling his auto insurance and we refused to be a taxi service.) As harsh as that sounds, he didn't try to sneak out again and today we are very proud of the young man he has grown up to be. Our #2 & #3, have never tried these types of actions because they know the consequences will be very harsh.
Upon examining why my son tried to do this, we found that he had befriended an new set of boys through school - boys my husband and I strongly disapproved of. Today, one of those boys is dead, two others are in prison, the other three are working on straightening out their lives after years of drug use and misdemeanor arrests. My son is doing better than any of the others. He spent 4 years in the military to earn college tuition money, has completed all but 6 hours of his degree, is married to a lovely young lady, is working at a job he loves and continues to have a bright future. Not that I am patting myself on the back, but the most noticeable difference between my son and the other six boys is that my husband and I enforced discipline upon our son. The other boys' parents had the mentality of, "What's one to do? After all, boys will be boys". My heart breaks for these other parents and all the trouble / heartache they've had to endure. In our home, when our children do what is pleasing to us and the Lord we reward them. At the same time, if they do ANYTHING wrong, they are immediately punished. We have two "If then ... " charts; one for small children and one for teenagers. If our children are kind to others, diligent in their work, honest, cheerful, obedient, giving, etc. we reward them with pre-determined rewards. However, if they are rebellious, disrespectful, argumentative, rude, causing disruptions, picking fights, hitting, yelling, etc. they are quickly punished with predetermined punishments.
From where I sit, your daughter's behavior was an act of rebellion and disrespect for you and your entire family. Therefore, in our home she would immediately be punished according to our rebellion and disobedience guidelines. We do not "pardon or parole" any punishment - no matter how good or well behaved our child may be during that punishment phase.
My husband and I have raised our children to know that we are only required to provide them with love, discipline, food, shelter and clothing. Therefore, EVERYTHING else is a privilege. Some of the rewards we give to our children include; a day at the park, baking their favorite cookies, telephone/computer privileges, a 30 minute curfew extension, and additional night out with friends. Currently, our #3 has been very diligent in saving his earnings for college tuition so, my husband and I decided to reward him by reimbursing to him his 6 month car insurance premium. However, only a few weeks ago, he broke his curfew and as a consequence, for two weeks he had his driving privileges revoked (he had to ride his bicycle to work) and was restricted from outings with friends.
Our 9 yr. old, is very diligent with her chores and work. We reward her with telephone and/or computer privileges. However, she also has a tendency to be sassy. Whenever this occurs, she is immediately punished with a withdrawal of 5 or 10 minutes of her weekly telephone/computer time. If she looses all her telephone/computer time, she will then begin to loose other privileges as well. Remember, in our home EVERYTHING outside of love, discipline, food, shelter and clothing is a privilege. Therefore, we have a lot of options when rewarding or restricting privileges.
I hope and pray I have assisted you and your husband in some way. I will certainly keep you in prayer. tb
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Post by girls5 on Jan 3, 2008 22:22:18 GMT -5
Dear Countrymomof4
Just thought I would let you know how I handled the situation in my home. At the time I was a single mom of 3 girls. The oldest was 18, 13, 8. The 13 year old gave me a run for my money. I found her sneaking around and doing things that she should not have. I was lucky enough to have a job that allowed me to take her with me. For several months where I was she was. In the same room ( kitchen, laundry, yard work...). After several months of following mom around she found that the rules were not all that hard to follow. She is now a responsible 24 year old with her own business with her older sister. My oldest is now 29 and the baby is 14 months. I have been blessed to have 5 wonderful healthy girls. I just wonder how things will go when the baby is a teenager. Good luck with her.
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Post by countrymomof4 on Jan 7, 2008 21:07:04 GMT -5
Thanks for the help and advise- Things are calming down here since I took away most of her liberties- no computer phone and going outside. We just moved and she was taking up with the wrong sort of new friends. I do want to really tell you how much I appreciate you both taking time out of your lives to help me. I really needed help.
God Bless
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Post by samsgram on Jan 10, 2008 12:18:23 GMT -5
I also don't think you can get too involved in their lives. Somewhere along the line, parents stopped thinking they have the responsibility to know who, what, when, where and why their children are doing anything. Someone told the kids that they have "rights". I used to tell mine they could have all the "rights" they wanted as soon as I stopped seeing the "wrongs". And yes, they hated hearing "I own the air you breathe", and they hated it when I would say "Name, rank and serial number, please" about a new friend. But today they're pretty great adults and oh, yeah, I hear the same things coming out of their mouths!
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